pundits

I've always had very low tolerance for the talkbox channels. I never watch them, except maybe when I'm in a hotel, offline, and desperate for any timely news. The two exceptions are (1) This Week with George Stephanopolous, whose "round table" has the most entertaining, low-key horserace discussion (and whose A-B-C-D format makes it easy to TiVo past the nonsense blah-blah interviews), and (2) when there's an interesting political or news event happening. This year's campaign coverage, though, has really brought into high relief the 6 Rules of Bobbleheaded Punditry:

1. Keep talking. Whatever you do, keep talking. Don't pause. Especially when you finish a sentence. In fact, take all periods out of your copy.
2. Sound like you know what you're talking about. Use a quiet, authoritative tone. Remember Rule #1. Pauses betray an apparent uncertainty or may reveal your lack of ideas.
3. Look like you know what you're talking about. Alternately frown thoughtfully and raise your eyebrows occasionally for emphasis. If at a table, lean forward and tip your head slightly forward, forearms on the table. If standing, keep your elbows at your side but move your hands up and down, keeping time with your words. Extra points for coordinating with your eyebrows. If possible, hold a clipboard. (See Wolf Blitzer.)
4. Throw out a Factoid or a Spin Turd.
   • Factoid. It doesn't matter how accurate or relevant it is. We like factoids.
   • Spin Turd. (Advanced pundits only.) Make an outrageous claim that sticks to an undesired candidate. Note: These should be well rehearsed, easy on the tongue, and, whenever possible, coordinated with the Corporate Media Talking Points Committee. The extra work can pay off: Pundits adept at throwing out spin turds can enjoy fabulous careers in punditry. (See Ann Coulter.)

   Use of factoids combined with spin turds can prove very lucrative to the talented pundit.

5. Remember the names of the other bobbleheads. If you don't seem like part of the family or club, you come off as an outsider, and what could an outsider possibly know?
6. Don't pick your nose. Really really really. And whatever you do, don't eat the boogers. Wait until the commercial break. You never know when the camera might be on you.
7. Optional: Know what you're talking about. Caveat: While this can help with regards to bookings on PBS or NPR (though it's certainly not required for those buyers, either), it can get you into serious hot water with the big money market, including FoxNews. Use knowledge with extreme caution.

There you have it: The 6 Rules that can lead to a successful career as a well-paid Bobblehead.

Any others I may have missed?

They just can't seem to stand how Rudy Giuliani continues to lead the Republican contenders for the White House. I can't count how many times I've heard the "expert" reporters on Washington Week, This Week, the NewsHour and other mainstream media outlets crow how Giuliani's private life, support of gay rights and acknowledgment of women's authority over their own bodies mean that he is in for trouble as the primaries approach -- even as his political star rises week by week when it comes to what the people want.

While there's no doubt that the front-runners today can't be considered de facto front-runners come 2008 -- witness how Hillary Clinton continues her slow implosion of being right but not very presidential with each and every public appearance -- it's funny how the media treats the candidates.

Note how the same pundits claim that Clinton is unstoppable.

Thesis: The folks in the media love a good story, and conflict makes for a good story. A Giuliani nomination would be rather dull conflict-wise, since on social issues he's much more like a Democrat. It's hard to paint black-and-white -- "right" vs. "left" -- political storytelling with Rudy carrying the GOP banner. (And if he by chance does win the nomination, then the media figures can delight in how he "defied expectations" -- just their own expectations, but never mind that.)

On the other hand, these folks love the idea of a polarizing figure like Hillary Clinton getting the Democratic nod. Then there will certainly be a nice and ugly campaign to cover, full of overblown rhetoric that will make writing political stories so much easier and fun.

In other words, the drama the mainstream media are painting arises out of their own preconceptions, their own inside-the-Beltway brand of conventional wisdom.

[Personally I don't plan to vote for Rudy, even if he's up against Hillary (who is at best 4th in my Democratic nomination preferences, behind Barack Obama, John Edwards, Bill Richardson -- and Al Gore, too, if he runs), but he's a hell of a lot less frightening than the brown-nosing John McCain, the two-faced Mitt Romney, the Dominion-minded Sam Brownback, the slicker-than-Willie Newt Gingrich and the other ugly-of-uglies in American politics.]

This states it plain.

Actually, I expect that you will continue to scream and shout and smear as nastily as you want, so long as you think that that kind of behavior sells books. But we have tackled bigger bullies than you and lived through far worse circumstances than your book tour. We're not intimidated by you. We're not running away.

And under no circumstances will we be silenced by your "godless" rantings and ravings.

Kristen Breitweiser
New York City
June 2006

Read how she got to this paragraph. Very powerful, and reveals just how shallow the Coulter clown's antics really are in the face of reality.