...But there's something ironic about these men going blind from Viagra. I mean, didn't their mothers way back when tell them to stop playing with it or they'll go blind? They probably never figured this could be true.

This leads me to the utterly cynical question that many people who are completely turned off by this erection obsession must be asking: How many of these men feel it was worth it? I mean, they don't need to be able to see to find their erections, do they?

No, it's not funny. But this tragic side-effect of erection obsession is just one small piece of the obscenity that is our pharmaceutical industry. While millions -- literally millions -- die from preventable and curable diseases like malaria, many times the amount of money it would take to save those lives is spent on boner enhancement. Add in all these offensive commercials of barefoot couples grinning like idiots -- especially the women, you'll notice -- which air in primetime at a cost of hundreds more millions of dollars, and you've got a perfect illustration of why the free market does not always serve the public need. Really, does the public welfare really need more hard-ons? Even in nationalistic terms, consider how much of our GNP is going into propping up the male member. Is this going to give us the edge in global competition with China?

So now men are going blind, all in the pursuit of wood.

Of course, if you're taking Viagra or some other form of male enhancement, and sense that you're losing visual acuity -- or (gasp!) your erection actually lasts more than four hours -- don't count on getting to an emergency room on time. Emergency rooms aren't profitable, so hospitals are closing them down. (Another triumph of the free market in healthcare.) Better to just rush to your latest 7-11 and buy some dirty magazines, so the last thing you see can inspire your future Viagra escapades. (Because guys, really, we know you won't stop.)

At least Viagra is covered by Medicare. Too bad your spouse's birth control isn't. But hey, you never wanted to actually see your kids anyway, right? Just don't go running to the government expecting any sort of disability coverage. Just because you're blind doesn't mean you can't hold a tin cup in front of the drug store. You can do so with the pride of knowing that that tin cup belongs you you. This is the ownership society, after all!

However, here's a friendly word of advice: Don't try thinking about the corporate executives who retired on hundreds of millions thanks to your desperation for performance. Don't think of those folks who profited off of your suffering. They are the heroes of our new conservative revolution! They are rich, and that makes them patriots. You are blind, and that makes you a leech. So while you're begging for food on the streets because you lost your job because of a drug others made money selling to you, don't think about all that. That would only get you upset.

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