[Warning: Religious Content Advisory. Those easily offended by blasphemous remarks about the Pope and the Catholic Church should not read this, because you'll just be offended, and I don't want to ruin anyone's day.]

Ding dong! The presence of perfection has been restored to the surface of the Earth. Don't we all feel better now? We have a Pope whose strong resume includes political activity at a very young age (in the Hitler Youth), military service (as an anti-aircraft gunner) and strong anti-Communist credentials. Some will say that all that is in the past and he transcended to a higher state of righteousness that permits him to see Truth so clearly that all of us who do not bow to his patriarchy are doomed to hell and damnation. This is supposed to be reassuring?

There's lots of excitement in the media and on the blogs about the new Pope. No doubt the news programmers are fretting that the Conclave didn't last longer. Now they can't milk a few more days of "the news is that there's no news" coverage out of the Vatican. Lord knows they don't want to have to be covering those unsexy stories like Iraq or the Ivory Coast or Darfur, or how the radical conservatives are undermining the Constitution as being against Jesus. No, they'll go back to their baboon shows, maybe try to revive interest in the Michael Jackson trial.

But let's talk about the Pope. Some people have expressed praise or alarm that this Pope longs for the good old days, back when those not under the authority of the Holy Roman Empire were considered heathens. It's true, he's all for treating women as breeding slaves, with no birth control. It's true, he believes that a penis is required for priesthood. It's true, he believes every sperm is sacred. It's true that he does not respect other faiths like John Paul II seemed to. But then, what else is new from the modern incarnation of the Holy Roman Emperor? What else could we expect from 2000-year-old thinking?

Traditionalists claim that this is exactly what we need: "traditional values."

I would just like to point out that 2000 years ago, slavery was not only accepted, it was considered a kindness. 2000 years ago, women were treated as property, to be abused, imprisoned, executed at the discretion of men. 2000 years ago, there was no concept of freedom as we know it today. Rulers ruled by divine right -- or were considered divine in and of themselves. (That's a good gig, something the Romans may have picked up from the Egyptian Pharaohs.)

Of course, we should not forget that the Roman Catholic Church is intended to celebrate Jesus Christ, who spoke of peace and love and taught by example. In celebrating and advancing the honoring of Him, previous Popes have donned armor, climbed onto horses and led armies on conquests, spreading the True Faith at the point of sword and pike and arrow. Fortunately, today we already have a self-appointed hand of god to mete out death to the infidels, and he has a bigger defense budget than even the Vatican could afford. So the new Pope can rest easy there, and focus on the real problems of today: free women and homosexuals, scourges in the lives of straight men everywhere.

I feel for the women in Catholic-run countries. For being women, the Vatican considers us lesser things, and seems to feel that the penis creates certain entitlements to holiness, power, authority and righteousness. And for claiming that I am a human being entitled to equal rights and protection, I'm marked by them as evil.

Well, that street goes both ways.
Is this blasphemy if I'm not a Catholic? I don't know. But when it comes down to it, I don't really give a hoot about who the Pope is. It's six of one, a half dozen of the other.

So there it is. Now if you'll excuse me, I was looking for the path of the Dharma. It was around here somewhere....

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