Given the current popularity of Ann Coulter's How to Talk to a Liberal, I thought it would be a helpful reader's service to provide some hints on how to spot an actual liberal. After all, it would not do to start shouting and pointing accusatory fingers at a conservative by mistake; they don't like that. Besides, self-pitying cries of oppression by society's lack of moral values, as well as personally self-gratifying claims of victim virtue, are best directed at someone who might care -- like a liberal. (A conservative just might shoot you, or yell back at you, or even tell you to "shut up" -- any of which might take the happy glow off of your day.)

So here are some pointers to correctly identify a liberal to whom one might direct one's devastating put-downs, name calling and general self-validating cries of outrage. I hope, dear readers, that this proves to be a valuable resource, and that my lack of articles of sexy leather clothing in my wardrobe does not undermine my credibility in your eyes.

1. A liberal says "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas."
2. A liberal clings to the notion that he or she can have faith in God without the backing of government enforcement.
3. A liberal actually considers pollution our problem, not God's problem.
4. A liberal does not believe life begins at conception, yet holds the ludicrious idea that life continues after birth.
5. A liberal denies that a woman's womb is the rightful property of the US and state governments.
6. A liberal actually believes the myths that the great Rush Limbaugh is a drug addict, the righteous William "Bill" Bennett is a gambler, the pious Henry Hyde and Newt Gingrich were philanderers, and that the virtuous Tom DeLay is not a saint.
7. A liberal believes the Bill of Rights actually contains 10 amendments, not just the second.
8. A liberal believes that Jews should not have to celebrate Christmas.
9. A liberal does not believe the fact all the great empires of the world were Christian -- including Greece and Rome.
10. A liberal actually believes that thoughtful reflection is a virtue, and holds to the girlie-man view that arrogant certitude is a failing.
11. A liberal thinks "girlie man" is an insult. [This may be because of beliefs that women are actually equal to men. It should be noted in fairness that not all liberals hold to this unholy notion.]
12. A liberal claims that criticizing the US government is not treason.
13. A liberal thinks that minorities should have rights, even though they are not the majority.
14. A liberal thinks "personal responsibility" actually includes consideration of the rights and interests of the poor and other people who don't matter.
15. A liberal thinks other cultures should be respected, rather than corrected and saved.
16. A liberal thinks the teachings of Jesus are more important than taking righteous and violent action in his name to force the world to be good.
17. A liberal denies that Saddam Hussein was about to invade West Virginia with nuclear and chemical weapons.
18. A liberal actually believes that the condition of the world 10, 20, 30, 50 years from now actually is relevant, even though the Rapture and God's judgment is coming any moment now.

If you spot three or more of these characteristics in someone, it's a fairly safe bet that he or she is a liberal, and ripe for receiving the blessings of your superior morality, judgement, scorn and ridicule. Remember, don't let them sway you with claims of humanity or morals. With this list, you can be certain of their inferior, unworthy nature and let loose as you would with an unruly dog.

I hope this is of help to people. If anyone wants to send me articles of leather clothing and undergarments, I would be most appreciative.

-media girl

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