5 November 2005 - 9:48am
Drug me up, dumb me down
I haven't been here much lately. haven't read or blogged or responded but it's not this site or any other I write on, it's me. I'm a tiny bit flatlined lately and it's bugging the piss out of me.
I just don't seem to have the fast wit I'm known for or the ability to respond quickly and intelligently to my debators and shut them down for their illogic and irrationality. I search for words in my head as I write and find only ones that are adequate, but not telling. I couldn't get my article done for Bitch and Moan b/c it just didn't pop. I couldn't feel the insides of me rushing to get my words out so that my essay gave a good read.
I got into a firefight with friends on a message board. I know these people in person. The debate was a conservative v liberal response to social programs. It got ugly, just awful as I heard that people on welfare are junkies and losers who made bad decisions in their lives and they (my opponents) should not have to pay for it. At each turn of the discussion, I just couldn't call them out and shut them down they way I'm used to, the way I can. when I read that the guys who attempted to rob Bernard Goetz should have been killed by target practice or dragged through the streets, my stomach turned. When I pointed out that this type of talk is similar to what I found on white power boards, the racism was denied (how could they be racist, they were jewish and sicilian) and how dare I suggest it. Which is fine, but my counter arguments just didn't carry the punch that they used to and would have had my opponents backtracking some in the past.
The weird is, I often start heated discussions on this board and I have no problem maintaining friendships with people who share different opinions/beliefs, but this is one area where I'm not sure I feel comfortable with them anymore.
Anyway, Abilify has saved my life and I've returned to work, so it might be the stress of returning and getting into the rhythm of things that has dulled me a bit. I was so excited to be free of the depression I'd suffered from that I joked "Where have I been all my life". I think I'll come back and if has to be slower, than it shall. I'll just learn to struggle with that and be happy that I'm not struggling with suicide thoughts.
By the way, being so free of depression has given me new insight into the coldness I've felt while struggling the last few months. Now I know why people got angry and dismissive when i tried to explain suicidal thoughts. Life is a comparative cakewalk and if you don't feel it, you CANNOT get it. That said, I'm currently not feeling sympathy for people who complain about their day to day lives and all their stress. I kinda just want to tell them to fuck off, they got it easy. But that's kind of mean, I guess. ;-)
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Comments
Hi,
I just came from Our Word to this post and I cannot believe I just blogged about the exact same thing today. I have been increasingly depressed and worried about being bullied and abused by extremists on my blog and on other peoples. I was seeking support at Our Word and found it. Thank you. I don't feel so alone anymore.
n/t
Thank you. i am feeling saner today, thanks to Our Word and Mediagirl.
I think you take to the extreme when you hear something you dont agree with. Like when I commented the first time on the less than serious post-modern bit you did and you threatened to ban me. I think you should use the racist nazi white-male power label argument less. It too knee-jerk and impulsive. your argument against their opinion was that its the type of talk found on white power sites--thats an argument under fallacy.
anyway my advice-exercise excerise exercise every day as soon as you wake up to keep up the good feelings.
There are different people posting here. I know it can get so confusing, so many women with opinions....We all just sound alike, don't we?
/snark
Where does she do this? And since you get us all mixed up, where have any of us posted this in "knee-jerk and impuslive" ways?
And are you denying the existence of neo-Nazis, patriarchy and racism altogether?
...figuring that they somehow are making more sense if they employ more volume, more vitriol, more viciousness. Of course, it's the model discourse offered by the right-wing media elite, from the babboon shows on cable to the fantasists on the radio.
It's a method employed by the establishment to stifle dissent. What's ironic is that, despite their power, their response is largely out of fear -- if dissent is heard, then they might be disbelieved. (Oh dear!)
That they feel they have to go get in people's faces, well, that's information about them, not about you. Not content to blather away on their own sites, they have to go trolling around.
The thing to remember is that their goal is for you to get emotional and lose control. They're trying to push your buttons. They don't want debate, they want you to get angry. It validates their hate and rage at the world that doesn't exist to serve them.
"The thing to remember is that their goal is for you to get emotional and lose control. They're trying to push your buttons. They don't want debate, they want you to get angry. It validates their hate and rage at the world that doesn't exist to serve them."
Of course! They didn't want a debate, that would be hard. Still, when people I know and care express ideas like that, it's frightening and sad.
And it was racist, tho those words that define racism weren't used. when you refer to people on welfare as junkies and criminals and connect them with the guys who attempted to rob Goetz AND state that those guys should have been killed (strung up?!!!) AND refer to them as savages, you are a f*%#cking racist thankyouverymuch. So connecting their speech to white power movements, even tho they didn't use the term "mud people", is perfectly valid. I only brushed over the topic, so you are at a disadvantage as you didn't get to read it.
That said, thank you for the advice on dealing with depression and recovery. :-)
Depression of a pet project of mine. heh. I hope knowing that the struggle is shared will help you and others get thru it. I know it helped me in the past. Don't blame yourself b/c you can't find a reason for the pain and assume (the way any logical brain would) that you are at fault. As I said, your brain has to reason and when in doubt, doubts itself.
www.manicexpressions.net
www.bitchingandmoaning.org