Trying to describe what it's like to be under the spell of depression or come out from under is difficult. The best I can describe depression, from moderate to severe is this: The love of your life just broke up with you 7 hours ago (once the shock is over) and then 3 months later, when you are sort of stable, you run into him/her with someone else and s/he couldn't look better or happier.

Depression is severe, intense and a fucked up way to be all the time. You can't shake it off, you can't function sometimes at all and when you can, the effort is so freakin' tiring, you spend the rest of the day sleeping. You don't know there is no real cause for the pain so the only rational way to synthesize it is to understand that *you* are at fault. *You* are the problem and *you* are the cause. You are too fat or too old or can't do anything right and you can't contribute and everyone hates you for being alive anyway.

Sleep is your only escape, so you learn to think about and long for death. Suicide becomes an option, then a goal. And you try so hard, you go to therapy and to the doctors and you take all the meds they give you and put up with the side effects, even the one where the possiblity your left arm may severely shorten overnight because you want soooo badly to feel well. Then after so much effort you think, this is the best I'm ever gonna get. That's it, it's all god has in store for me. And quite frankly, it's not good enough.

Recently my psych doc put me on Abilify on top of the three other meds I was taking. I wasn't responding well to all the variations and experiments and was still all over the place with my *moods*. We must come up with a better word. Suicidal depression isn't a *mood* and having your brain race so fast you think if you start pushing people down and rage really loudly in there, you might quiet it down or being so severely overwhelmed with sight and sound and smell, like a bad acid trip without the acid, is not a *mood*.

I looked up Abilify and found it was an anti-psychotic which rattled me. But then I realized that certainly, the day I had that one clear thought while my brain was out of control that if I pushed this guy in front of a train, I would feel better, was in fact a slightly psychotic break. I don't want to be that person. I don't mind hurting myself, but others do not need to suffer for my problems.

I took 50mgs of the drug for a week and within two days, I was waking up. At the end of the week, I went up to 100mgs and within two days after that, I was completely, entirely awake and unpained and the sun was shining in a way that wasn't berating me for not enjoying the day for the day itself and I felt amazing. Just friggin' amazing. I've never felt like that. Ever since, I've been wondering where I've been my whole life. And it wasn't hypomania, which I've had over the last few months, which is a pretty good feeling, but it's like being on cocaine. A lot of cocaine. No, this feeling was peace. No pain of a pretend broken heart, no self-blame. I got right up in the morning and worked thru the day and evening and just felt really good.

However, during my psych doc's two week vacation, I realized I didn't have enough Abilify to last me until he returned. I cut down to 50mgs a day b/c I couldn't afford it (my money woes have been recorded here) as it's a drug that goes for $5/pill and my union doesn't carry it. My doc gave me samples and promised to supply me. I called and left a message telling him that I was cutting down and he called to tell me he'd get in touch with the drug rep and have her bring it in before our appt. this Wed.

Meantime, starting 2 days after the cut-down (last Wed) I'm backsliding. It hurts for no reason and I'm tired and I can't get things done and I'm pushing myself and this is in high relief now that I've felt what better means. I even had a slight suicide thought earlier today which I knew to deflect (thank you therapy) and I realize I just have to deal with it and not beat myself up for not being up to par. I get the meds on wed, can start with the whole dose right off and by Sat, I should feel totally well again. I start work on Thursday, but if everything needs to be kicked to the wayside in the meantime, so it does.

This is for anyone who suffers or anyone who thinks depression is an invention for attention.